又是很一般的一天。。

明明今天就是我的生日。明明记得！但。。因为目前为止没有收到任何祝福。。也渐渐忘记今天是我的生日了。好像很一般的一天。。希望的到偶像李易峰的祝福！我本来看到他的微博时，我就偏偏不喜欢他。。因为当时疯狂迷了很多中国男明星。就告诉自己我要控制我自己。哈哈哈。。谁知道又忍不住去wikipedia了一下。天呀，和我同年龄又同月份，只不过大我二十天。他五月四号，我五月二十四号。慢慢的看他的戏，他上的综艺节目。。也慢慢的爱上他。嘻嘻！嗐。。话说回来，真可怜孤苦伶仃的感觉。。一个祝福也没有╮(╯_╰)╭

话中有话

是我疑神疑鬼还是我真的有读心术！！哈哈哈。。有些人并没有表达，可是话里当中暗藏了真正要表达的话。本来一忍在忍。。今天最让我伤心的事是我未婚夫的家收到水电费，他姐姐打开一看就大声说“哇。。这么贵，比以前高”。一听之下肯定在说我。我住了差不多11天了，每天要煮红枣水给我喝，要分开煮食物给我吃，每天早上洗脸刷牙，偶尔洗澡就用一大桶的水，要不少点水抹身体，一定是开风扇，偶尔时段看电视，要不让用iPad看戏，还要插入电iPad & Oppo R9S. 这是我目前想到的。

真的听了非常难过。尤其不是第一次，好几次了。非常难过但我从来不敢和未婚夫说，怎么说他们是一家人，也不想破坏他们的感情。可是他说他和姐姐感情不好。可是忍不住说这件事，因为说我要回家。我也不好意思留下，麻烦他们的照顾。虽然我已渐渐习惯每天等未婚夫下班回家，天天可以粘着他。可是迟早也得回自己家。Sighs..

闺密您在哪？

很多很多的心事。。。但要和谁说呢？也只能对着娃娃说。。自言自语！哈哈哈。。我想我快疯了。当你病了，特别容易看到谁真心对你好，谁无心。我同事没来看我就算了。也没问候。刚刚发简讯给ex-同事（我19 May 已经不在是那里的员工），居然看了没回复我。以前不是这样的。。一离开后。。对我不理不睬！本来想出自关心她们还有顺便说我明天要回去。。这下惨了，明天见到面一定很尴尬 -.-” 本来以为又多一位朋友！看吧我是真心的，没想到人家说变就变。知人知面不知心！！可不可笑目前为止只有三位好朋友也是闺密。但她们也得忙她们的不好意思打扰她们。而且我们虽然是好朋友但很难见上一面。这算是好朋友嘛？但至少我认为是，是她们立刻马上去医院看我。但知心朋友还得找一找，能和我无所不谈，知道我们彼此最内心深处的心事。能让我遇到这个人吗？目前为止就是我未婚夫了，也只有他，我每一次都和他诉苦。但我也要真正的闺密！！！Sighs..

钱的压力。。。

现在本身的我，没有工作。。没有钱！家里贫困，也等着我给家用。男友也没钱，我知道他压力大。。因为也要养家，也要给我和我们未来的孩子一个安定的家。我不求什么大富大贵，我只希望三餐温饱。我知道因为没什么钱我妈妈很少吃，而我吃饭的时候都尽量别喝水，把喝水的钱省下来。

看看到妈妈那样。。没钱的日子，我也很难过。我有结婚恐惧症！看到我爸爸离开因为小三，现任继父也没好到哪里去。。喝酒，赌博，抽烟。。妈妈还要养大我和两位继妹。继妹也因为没有父母的关怀与爱。。也变坏，坏的没药医！！所以我得很努力的赚钱给妈妈之外还要存钱给我的未来的保障。

肚子里的孩子没了真的非常难过。。但每次心里祈祷他／她平平安安，顺顺利利投胎。。投胎到好户人家，能给他／她最好的。还好没到嘛嘛身边，因为现在我和粑粑生活很困难。可是我知道粑粑很想有孩子，我也想呀。但我真的不希望孩子和我们受苦。粑粑一直叫我不要担心，肯定会有钱养孩子养家。

但我知道，我清楚他现在一点储蓄也没有。。还负债蕾蕾。我说过几次如果屋子来的那一刻，我没看到你储蓄，我是不会嫁给你。我知道无形中给他压力。可是不给一点压力，怎么会有未来。

我已经很努力在维持我们的爱情。我也很清楚我不可能再找到像他一样那么爱我的人。因为我平时就是宅女，也没什么朋友。。哪来的机会认识异性。我是通过网上结交朋友而认识他。他是唯一一个真心爱我的人。我知道，看的到他为我付出很多很多。但我付出的真的也不少，我希望他能看的见。

我真希望他能很努力把债还完，立刻存很多很多的钱。一眨眼屋子快要来了，明年2018。让后一定要注册结婚。苦恼的事要屋子来临之前还是之后摆喜酒。我们有能力摆喜酒吗？都没钱。

注册结婚，他说他表姐可以帮我化妆，他随便的找一位朋友帮忙拍照。把请专业化妆师，摄影师的钱省下来。好我没话说。结婚很多手续要办。。一拖再拖说要坐下来谈也没有。说要拍婚纱照吗，要拍还是不拍。他说Ok就是拍的意思咯。我问应该在哪里拍。。他总说新加坡。可是我心里真的希望在台湾拍，顺便度个假。刚刚就说这个话题。。他说新加坡，我说Huh.. 给一个Sad face. 他就生气说我干嘛要和别人一样。。

我已经放弃很多。。尤其是没有在酒店餐馆摆喜酒，因为很贵，我知道。要拍婚纱照的话干嘛不拍好一点啊。难道我很贪心嘛？哪个女人不想有一个自己很喜欢，很完美的婚礼。婚礼一生就有一次。我说了也可以不拍婚纱照的。。是你说可以，那。。haiz.. 算了看来这个婚礼是结不成吧。。很烦！！！

Baby I will always love you~

Is been a long long time never update… No matter what I will/I have to blog. Have been stressed about work & how to tender. Yes! I did! I have successfully resigned. My bosses eventually wanted me to stay but I told them I have already make up my mind. After weeks and weeks finally ladyboss accepted my resignation. I understand them as there might not be good candidate like me hahaha.. And the thoughts of re-teach the whole procedure was really tough especially I was the only one who know how to do/handle online stuffs. But what to do if u regretted then improve the way you treat your staff!! Although they are not that bad but long story as we the staff we know best. But still really thankful for giving me this opportunity to work in their company. And actually I feel bad for telling them I found a job coz if I never say that they won’t released me at all. And so unlucky that till now haven’t found a job yet. My last day was due 19 May. Unfortunately, now serving hospitalized leave so unable to go back to work.

Well.. Never ever have the thoughts of I’m the one hospitalized. I’m the one go for operation. I’m the one lost my baby. Watching all sort of drama thinking operation is such a scary thing. Although might not hurt that moment but will haunt u for couple of weeks? Coz the wound still in pain. Some operation might failed & die on spot, some operation might cause u side effect?! Well.. Should I consider the lucky one as I survived & the wound painful a few days only. But deep inside my heart painful forever as the deceased of my dearest baby.

I am such an unluckily one due to lost of my child, my baby. I didn’t expected there was a life inside me. Previously my menses was irregular I went for polyclinic, & I went for KK Gynaecology too for checkup in last yr. This yr decided to go for TCM (Chinese doctor) since Gynecologist doctor said I’m perfectly fine!

Haiz.. Below summary what had happened throughout…

Early Jan went to Ling Lan Chinese Physician & Acupuncturist (Toa Payoh Lor 1) recommended by my fiancé’s friend. They prescribed me herbs that I have to boiled & drink it. Rest for a few days..ard mid-Jan my menses did came. (after that never go see TCM because Chinese New Year is around the corner. There is this saying will cause bad luck to visit clinic/hospital during CNY period)

Feb (3rd – 6th) automatically menses came

Early Mar went to Seu Teck Sean Tong (Toa Payoh Lor 6) which recommended by my friend, she told me quite good & no charges is by donation. As compared to the earlier on charges a little high. When to see the TCM lady, she said menses should be coming (coz early Feb came, therefore,  early Mar should be coming too) but she still provided me medicine that make menses come. After drinking first bottle didn’t come, went back for second bottle. After drinking for 2 weeks and few days later menses arrived on 21st till 26th. 6days hmm.. Looks quite normal. On the 27th I believed it ended. Then on the 28th a slight stomach pain then I went toilet realised menses again! Can’t believe it!!!

28th Mar to 5th Apr. The menses non-stop, although worry but didn’t suspect anything. On the 6th Apr (Thursday).. On the way to work. Bus was really full so have to wait a few stop before there is empty seat available. Awhile later get to sit down but suddenly stomach very painful. I thought it was the spicy tuna bread that my mum gave me for breakfast that causes stomach pain. I went to private clinic.. The doctor said I could have gastric flu & asked me to take the medicine.

Then 8th Apr (Saturday) went for World Snack Fair at Suntec City. After lunch, was at the fair started the pain. Forgotten to bring medicine. So my bf quickly call uber and sent me home to eat medicine and rest before I come out again.

I don’t recall any pain until 22nd Apr (Saturday). Some more I was in Johor Bahru, Malaysia with my colleagues. I don’t want them to worry & spoilt their mood of having fun. So I keep to myself along the way from KSL City till Tebrau City. My colleague said she want to go for massage, I was in pain so I told her I just want foot massage. Unfortunately, full house. So we didn’t massage & I told her I couldn’t walk anymore I just find a seat & rest due to stomach pain. I asked her to go find others to shop. She said is okay she also doesn’t feel like shopping anymore. I ate the medicine also doesn’t help. Some of them had already know I’m stomach pain asked one of the aunty give me this Thai Powder after that I feeling slightly better & better.

On the 26th Apr (Thursday) midnight woke up suddenly pain like hell. But I was too tired, so I try to hold my stomach and sleep. Then morning my bf asked me to go polyclinic and check up. So I went alone.. The doctor asked for many details but can’t tell what actually happen & arrange me for a scan in 21st July. Faint..

On the 28th Apr (Saturday) decided to go TCM Lor 6 since the scan still long way… I said my menses came twice in a month & stomach pain etc.. This TCM lady didn’t ask further question unlike the Western Doctor asked many question & asked the date of menses. This lady never asked anything still boost the medicine that she gave me is really good that’s why my menses came. Some more said the menses came twice is normal! Then touch my pulse didn’t say anything too. Still tell me come back & see her a week later as 2weeks later she on leave but haven’t apply leave. I’m thinking none of my business if she not around I can see other TCM. So eventually I can feel this lady not good, I give up on saying more, & I give up in this TCM!!!

On the 2nd May return to work. In the morning still ok… In the afternoon my friends and me were talking about my stomach pain problem.. Western doctor vs TCM. In the end 5.30pm started the pain… About to end work at 6pm so I endured until off work and my friend advise me to go hospital. I told my fiancé & he said go KK Hospital. I still cannot make my mind as I’m really afraid going hospital but my scan still have to wait till July. Impossible to pain for the next two months. So I decided to go KK hospital. Haven’t reach my turn yet, & my fiancé came already to keep me accompany. He know I very scare if I’m alone.

Then finally my turn at the reception for queue number to see doctor. The nurse asked me what happen and told me the scan might not be today.. Might be tomorrow. I was like wth coz need to take leave for the scan. Then she said but I could have go for urine test first to check whether any urine infection.

Finally my turn to see doctor, immediately the doctor told me it was positive. I was in shocked didn’t say anything. In my mind thinking could it be miscarriage? As we were quiet.. the doctor carry on to say is two line, meaning to say u are pregnant.. Are u aware? Then I told him but my menses still come & some more came twice etc.. The doctor also feel strange & asked me to wait for his Senior Doctor to advise me. Waited very very long finally get to see the Senior Doctor, & he help me to do a scan. And he suspect the baby is at outside of the womb. So quickly provide me wheel chair to push me to bed & waiting for further scan. That moment I was very nervous & my tears flow non-stop.

After the blood test and further Pelvis scan it shown that my baby is at the wrong place. Outside of the womb, at right side ovary tube there.. That’s why when the baby grow the tube burst.. And inside full of blood. Need to send me for immediate surgery to remove blood. The doctor asked me if I could keep the baby would I? Coz if keep there is high risk of miscarriage. I said I want to keep the baby!! Inside my heart saying no matter what I want this baby.

Very soon go for operation during 2am+ then my fiancé has been by my side till I operation finished which was about 4am+. That was the part I am very touched. Then once I woke up they told me the condition was very bad that they have to remove everything. Upon hearing my heart was broken. The next morning woke up my wound very pain. My fiancé everyday accompany me till I discharged on 5th May (Friday). Almost thought cannot discharge as Thursday night when I pee was really painful. Doctor asked me how much is the pain out of 10. I said 8, he look very shocked. Anyway, what weird is female doctor came she said normal. Male doctor came he said not normal asked me do urine test. Lol.. But anyway, in the end the tube for my dirty blood removed. The pee part is back to normal & the doctor encourage me to go home as the urine test result required 3days. Faint!! So we went home.. It was like finally… I couldn’t make it in hospital as the bed is like rock. Lol.. But as I come back home didn’t feel any better. Because I need to wear long sleeve and long pant, cannot have wind blow me. We do not have air-con so only have fan. The fan must not be directed towards me. So is damn damn damn hot to sleep. Some more the only way to sleep is sleep straight, but I would preferred turn left or right to sleep. But due to my wound cannot left or right. Cannot bath at all especially my hair really can’t endure the oily & smell but have to.

That was from the ancient till now, rumor pass down.. That Chinese lady after pregnant must do confinement. Must eat those food that are heaty coz after pregnant inside body is cooling. Must cook with hard liquor and ginger that’s the best for heat up body. Then cannot blow wind, so must covered up yourself. Cannot bath coz the pore will open up then the wind will go into body. But after reading some comment now 20th century many ppl will bath especially now we have water heater as long bath warm water unlike ancient time only cold water.
Anyway, when I was typing this half way.. my fiancé just came back from TCM. He said the TCM told him that they can’t feel the baby if it is not at the right place and if it is still little fetus. Sighs.. Now at least put down this heart as we thought why the TCM cannot feel our baby. Thus, the TCM cannot be blame.

Actually I have been wondering but don’t dare to ask doctor but I believe no matter what the baby also can’t save if it is already outside the womb. Right?!! Once the baby outside cannot save right?!! If yes can be save, I will heartpain.. Coz I didn’t realised I pregnant at all. Then let the tube burst out full of blood:( If didn’t burst, can save the baby? Haiz.. I don’t dare to think about it. Let bygone be bygone?!

I’m confused! I’m sad!! My fiancé and me has been 4yrs tgt. Our flat is coming next yr & also planning married early of next yr. But it has been his greatest wish of having babies. He love kids a lot same as I do. We didn’t really expect the baby arrived at this moment. Arrived the wrong time at the wrong place. I will always remember this child. My fiancé asked me not to think, now most important is build back the health and cheer up there are still possibilities of pregnant. However, I have phobia that will happen….. *touched wood* I believed there is another chance, another healthy and lovely babies!

To my lovely baby which I named him/her 黄小新 (Huang Xiao Xin) we both love Crayon Shin-chan 蜡笔小新。Xiao Xin equal to Careful. And I have the thought of 不小心有了他，也不小心没有了他。Not careful (unexpected) have this baby, not careful lost this baby. So baby you must know mummy love you a lot even you not here with us. Whenever I think of you I will still cry…